When we found out that a third baby would be joining our family we were surprised but over the moon! I was worried about how my pregnancy would be because during my last pregnancy I was diagnosed with Graves disease it was high risk and Kate ended up being a preemie it was a mess! You can read more about that in My Story.
I had my second check up at 9 weeks I had an ultrasound. The tech was quiet as she scanned me checking every little thing. She stopped the scan and turned off the screen and said ” Oh honey, I don’t have good news for you.” before she could say anything else I interrupted her and said “There is no heartbeat.” I never saw the little flicker of a heartbeat on the screen. I’m not sure why but I wasn’t very surprised but I was completely crushed and all by myself at my appointment. I was trying not to sob too embarassingly loud as a nurse escorted me across the clinic to an exam room to see the doctor. Every person I passed in the hallway couldn’t help but stare I think it was pretty obvious what I had just found out. I called my husband to tell him the news he had come home from work to watch the girls while I was at the doctor.He was anxious for me to hurry home so he could get back to work he answered the phone and heard my crying voice tell him there was no heartbeat. We were both heartbroken and helpless.
My doctor came in and was perfectly sweet and understanding. He said that my body wasn’t recognizing that I had miscarried and I would probably need a D&C. I came home and broke the news to Joslyn my 4 year old who was so excited to have a new baby in our house. She asked me why I was crying and I told her our baby went back to heaven. She melted into a puddle of tears. That was the worst part of all of it. She wanted answers and I didn’t have any.
Carrying around a baby that was no longer alive was almost more than I could take.I had my D&C 2 days later. After it was all over I felt much better about all of it and had some closure, or so I thought. I couldn’t talk about it. The weekend before we found out we lost the baby we had just told both of our families we were expecting and having to untell them was awful. Shortly after I saw lots of girls I know announcing that There were expecting and due in April I was really surprised at how much it hurt me to see those posts. I was happy for them but sad for us.
In the months since I think about how far along I would be, what the sex of the baby was, if it was my body/disease that caused the miscarriage? It drove me crazy and I was surprised how much it has effected me. As time went by it just slipped into being part of the past and I was finally ok. I could think about it and talk about it with out falling to pieces. As awful as it was I came to terms with things like this happen to lots of people. I still had lots of hope we would get pregnant again and our family could finally heal.
Joslyn out of the blue one day while driving in the car said to me. “Mom, I think someday Jesus will send our baby back.” I found great comfort in her innocent little idea. Then in April the month I was due. I found out we were getting another chance at bringing a new baby in our family! We are so excited!
I have posted about our whole journey of how we became pregnant again with my Graves disease you can read that here.